Funny Things I’ve Heard Germans Say

One of the best bits of mixing with foreigners is their hilarious grasp of the English language.

And while I commend anyone for learning and having the guts to speak in another language, it’s still really funny when they mess up.

Here are the top ten clangers/laugh out loud things I’ve heard during my time in Germany.

  • “My B.A. smells.” I think the German guy in question meant B.O.
  • “I have pins and nails.” That would be pins and needles then.
  • “Yummy. Lamp!” It’s lamb actually. And on that note, “vegetables” is not pronounced  “veg-e-tables” like the piece of furniture.
  •  A German doctor: “Would you like the anti-baby pill?” A pill that stops you from getting pregnant and repels all other babies? Brilliant!  Ja bitte!
  • Same German doctor, about to carry out a vaginal examination: “And now let’s check the situation in your vagina.” And upon finishing: “The situation is good!”
  •  A woman about to have some stitches in her arm taken out: “I’m going to have my ropes removed.”
  • A typically direct German guy – trying not to be direct – to my American friend: “I don’t know how to say this nicely but I really want to f*** you.”
  •  My mother-in-law when I asked where her son was: “He is outside having a sh**.” She meant smoke.
  • My German midwife, while I was giving birth: “Press! Press!”
  • An inquisitive German: “What’s a muff?”
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16 thoughts on “Funny Things I’ve Heard Germans Say

  1. The situation in your vagina! Hahaha – brilliant!

    The pill is actually called “Die anti-baby Pille” in German (colloquially at least), so that one was just a direct translation 🙂

  2. Knowing German I can understand some of these mix-ups! funny! I messed up my German plenty when I studied in Vienna!

  3. Haha! Great list! Glad to hear the “situation” is good! Lol

  4. My all-time favorite moment was a friend bursting into the room and announcing that his friend “got a baby!” We promptly questioned, where’d he get it? He obviously meant, “had a baby”.

  5. Funny indeed!
    But I hope, after two years here, you do speak German yourself and thus give the Germans a change for a laugh about your mistakes too?! 😉

    While enjoying the fun, always remember it is quite accommodating that a nurse tries to speak your language. It would be very unlikely to find a nurse in the UK to speak German with a German patient.

    • Yes Mr Woodpecker, as I said I commend anyone speaking another language and I’m pretty sure the Germans have a good laugh at my efforts too! I recently told someone that “I was very interesting” when in fact I meant “I was very interested.” That prompted a few laughs. As for a UK nurse speaking German, you would have a hard time finding one that speaks English too 🙂 Not that I have anything against immigrants of course 🙂

  6. Haaaa! This had me in stitches!!!
    Germans are among the funniest foreigners, aren’t they? Though I wil never forget a Spanish student once, when we were learning daily routines, getting in a fluster… instead of breakfast, she told me “Every morning, I have a breastfuck.”

    • That’s brilliant, I’m sure a lot of guys would LOVE that first thing in the morning. Yes Germans are a great subject to write about, although Sicilians are real characters too! I like reading about your adventures. I used to live in Malta and it reminds me of there!

  7. Student to colleague: “I have such a pain in my foreskin today.” He had a headache. 😉

  8. Oh this is nothing compared to the things americans or english people say when the try to speak german… but like you wrote at least they have the guts to speak in another language… 🙂 I like your list because I am currently just working on a similar list “Funny things I have heard Americans say in german!!” hahaha or how i call it “true conversation between bavarians and non-bavarians (preißn), my blog is about bavaria. One example: A Preiß (sorry we call all non-bavarians Preißn, even our own people that were not born in Bavaria) is asking a Bavarian how to get to Garmisch Partenkirchen. And he says “Do you know how to get to Garmisch past the kitchen!”… this is not a fake, I really heard that an english guy saying… I am currently translating my blog into english… but it still takes some while, but if you like to publish a guest articles on my blog you are very welcome… just write me an email… Kind regards Dani

  9. Just started to read your blog. Excellent. I’m a German in old blighty. Been here 27 years. When I came over first I dropped a few clangers myself, and I’m sure I still do! One of the best was at work. Being offered some digestives: ‘Bikkie?’ I replied with an enthusiastic: ‘I’m Erika’. And the popular wrongly heard stuff like ‘damp squid’ or ‘standing there like a melon’. I actually like these ones and still use them…
    My hubbie speaks good German now but he says funny stuff too…

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